Oatly have just lost a landmark court ruling. They must not use ‘dairy descriptors’ on their products, in case it misleads customers.
Clearly, they’ve never picked up a bottle of Oatly. It’s so loudly hipster, so full of doodles and quirky fonts, it would scare off anyone who isn’t deliberately trying to buy Oat Juice. The phrase in contention is ‘Post Milk Generation’, but also stops Oatly from using their greatest tagline: ‘Like milk, but made for humans’.
So what do we even call it now? Oat Product? You can’t say anything anymore. What’s next? Non-Dairy Vanilla Chilled Paste? Veggie Salty Breakfast Strips? Vegan Yellow Pizza Clag?
Call it whatever you want. It’s a silly little fight over words, those arbitrary little mouth sounds we all cling to when the real issues seem a little too hard to deal with. All sides of the political compass have become obsessed with linguistics over any meaningful change.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, and a milk by any other name will still be a strange thick water we pour on cereal.
This lawsuit really comes down to marketing. Big Dairy has grown weak with power, like a fat cat lazily swatting at mice that cross his path. The underdog, Little Oat, has created marketing campaigns and brand identity that absolutely rock the supermarket shelf.
Oatly’s Choice
Oatly cartons, as with many vegan brands, have hip hand-drawn aesthetics and usually employ a sardonic tone. The text on the carton is always annoyingly self-referential, ironic but barbless, like a weird adult Disney fan on the internet.
It’s always something like this:
Why are you reading this bit? It’s all just boring legal speak. Blah blah, numbers and graphs, blah blah, healthy, blah blah. Has my manager stopped reading now? Thank oaty goodness. I can be myself again. But I warn you, I’m a little bit… random! Boop! Blerp! Llamas! There’s one naughty word I’m not supposed to use, though. Pilk? Filk? Nilk? I simply mustn’t say. No way, Josè! Because we’re proud to be as vegan as avocado toast; no dairy here. Not one ounce of m**k. Not our Oatly, the finest *super-cool robot voice* Processed Oat Drink on the market.
I just imagine the marketing teams at all of these places full of insufferable millennial laughter, the self congratulation such that maybe they should get a rib removed.
Minor Figures, another Oat Broth, features relentlessly quirky illustrations. A woman in a chicken costume, someone roller skating, a penguin throwing a peace sign, a cross-eyed bear rubbing itself silly against a tree (okay, I made that one up).
Embed from Getty ImagesSuckers For Marketing
And it works!
I lived in and amongst hipsters like an anthropologist for years, and they would choose the cartooned name brands. THIS ISN’T quickly became the most well-respected of the fake flesh brands, with their irreverent copy and clever name, despite their non-bacon falling apart in the pack without fail. Minor Figures, despite being more expensive than its similar Cereal Extract counterparts, was the elixir of choice, its pastel colours and eccentric characters meaning more than the product ever could.
Alpro is the only grown-up Non-Dairy Extract available. They have simple, honest packaging, for the hard-working folk with lactose intolerance. I saw a shelf at a cafe the other day – Alpro soya, Alpro almond, Alpro coconut – and then, ever the black sheep, Oatly stood proud as their Oat Smoothie. Why not just get Alpro? Sorry to burst any snobbish oaty bubbles, but they all taste the same. Oily, creamy, and really watery. But they went for Oatly. That self-aware spiel took them in.
So it’s all marketing really. These things all go in cycles. I’m not convinced anyone PREFERS Oat Tonic, but we do what we must. Saving the world must come at something’s expense, and invariably it’s the things we like that we have to give up.
Yes, Crop Beverage is all mainstream now. Every coffee shop is packed with diary alternatives – good luck even getting non-left wing milk in London (see my piece on Nigel Farage last week).
Vegan cheese – no, sorry, vegan Savoury Cracker Topping – might be next. It’s a strange little food, prone to making newbies gag, and seemingly replicating all the worst parts of real cheese. The bizarre precedent for using a coconut base is a mis-step, with the nut-based Non-Dairy Discs much better (cashew especially cheesy cheese-like). As the world grows wise to the gross processes that the dairy industry employs, even our previous cheese might be in danger. Maybe in a few years, vegan Fermented Goo will be as popular as hand-squeezed Oat Sweat, and similar attempts by Big Dairy will be made to stifle their marketing.
Impending Gloom
It doesn’t matter anyway. Soon, we’ll all just eat a handful of colourful pills and inject Ozempic (sorry, Own-Brand Semaglutide) every night. Enjoy the spoils of tortured cows whilst you can, or drink the ultra-processed Smooth Porridge: it probably doesn’t make much difference either way. They’re all corporations, and they’re all burning our world in different ways.
To me, Processed Oat Solution has always been an oily disgrace, coating one’s palette with vegan regret. I think semantics aren’t particularly important, and this whole thing feels like Big Dairy’s acknowledgment that its milky claws are slipping from the industry it created. Non-dairy options are increasingly popular, and not just among leftie snowflakes. Big Dairy taking this lawsuit as a win feels like the Titanic’s captain chatting someone up in the bar by bragging about how unsinkable it is.
Let’s put it this way. I’m not crying over spilt mil— sorry, spilt Grain Infusion Liquid – anytime soon.
Many thanks to Jamey Heron-Waterhouse for alerting me to another saga in the world of politicised milk, which is weirdly becoming my specialism.
